1: Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2: I’m supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one.
3. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, “In case of emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”
6. He was at his best when the going was good.
7. If I am reading this graph correctly—I’d be very surprised.
8. You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing—after they have tried everything else.
9. I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
10. He’s a modest man, and he has much to be modest about.
11. I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don’t know I’m using blanks.
12. If I could just say a few words…I’d be a better public speaker.
13. I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
14. She was good as cooks go, and as cooks go she went.
15. I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night.
16. I don’t belong to an organized political party. I’m a Democrat.
17. That’s no lady, that’s my wife!
18. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
19. War doesn’t determine who is right, only who is left.
20. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
21. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
22. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
23. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool.
24. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
25. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
26. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
27. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.
28. Some people believe football is a matter of life and death, I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that. (Bill Shankly, speaking of soccer)
29. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
30. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
31.I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
32. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
33. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
34. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
35. The evening TV news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
36. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
37. How can one careless match start a forest fire, when it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
38. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
39. I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
40. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
41. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
42. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
43. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
44. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
45. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
46. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
47. Hospitality is making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
48. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
49. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
50. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
51. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
52. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
53. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
54. A bus is a vehicle that goes twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
55. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
More coming soon!