Category Archives: Tall Tales

Another Politician Asks Forgiveness

“There’s no doubt I’ve fallen short and I’m asking for forgiveness. I’m asking for forgiveness from God, my wife, my kids, my staff, and my constituents who elected me to serve. Trust is something I know has to be earned whether your a husband, a father, or a congressman. I promise to do everything I can to earn back the trust of everyone I’ve disappointed. From day one, I’ve always tried to be an honest man. I ran for congress to make a difference and not to just be another politician. I don’t want to make a political statement on this, I would just simply like to say that I’m very sorry for what I’ve done. While I realize I serve the public, I would appreciate the privacy given to my children as we get through this.”

Rep. Vance McAllister (April 7, 2014)

Vance McAllister“I’ve never been to Washington a day in my life” … “Whether you’re a Democrat or Republican, I want everyone to know that I’m here, we’ll talk, we’ll visit,” McAllister said. “I want everybody to know I’m approachable. I’m a true conservative, but I’m an American first.”

Rep. Vance McAllister (November, 2013)

“A married freshman Republican congressman who campaigned on his Christian, conservative values apologized Monday after surveillance video surfaced purportedly showing him in a lengthy liplock with a staffer. In the Dec. 23 footage, obtained by a local newspaper, Rep. Vance McAllister, R-La. – who ahead of his election last fall ran multiple campaign ads trumpeting his faith and family – is seen kissing and embracing a woman for about 20 seconds at his Monroe, La., district office. The Ouachita Citizen reports the woman is the congressman’s 33-year-old part-time scheduler, who is also married.”

CBS News (April 7, 2014)

Vance McAllister, a small business owner, is currently serving his first term in the U.S. House of Representatives. Vance is proudly representing the people of Louisiana’s Fifth Congressional District which is geographically the largest in the state of Louisiana, covering 24 parishes… It is an honor for him to serve his country and the people of Louisiana… Vance and his wife of 16 years, the former Kelly Duncan, reside in Swartz and are the proud parents of 5 children.

ABOUT” at http://mcallister.house.gov

’Curiouser and curiouser!’ cried Alice…

‘Curiouser and curiouser!’ cried Alice (she was so much surprised, that for the moment she quite forgot how to speak good English); ‘now I’m opening out like the largest telescope that ever was! Good-bye, feet!’ (for when she looked down at her feet, they seemed to be almost out of sight, they were getting so far off). ‘Oh, my poor little feet, I wonder who will put on your shoes and stockings for you now, dears? I’m sure I shan’t be able! I shall be a great deal too far off to trouble myself about you: you must manage the best way you can; – but I must be kind to them,’ thought Alice, ‘or perhaps they won’t walk the way I want to go! Let me see: I’ll give them a new pair of boots every Christmas.’

candc

And she went on planning to herself how she would manage it. ‘They must go by the carrier,’ she thought; ‘and how funny it’ll seem, sending presents to one’s own feet! And how odd the directions will look!

Alice’s Right Foot, Esq.
Hearthrug,
near the Fender,
(with Alice’s love).

Oh dear, what nonsense I’m talking!’

From Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Charles Lutwidge Dodgson

Advice from a Caterpillar

The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for some time in silence: at last the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth, and addressed her in a languid, sleepy voice. whoRU‘Who are you?’ said the Caterpillar. This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, ‘I — I hardly know, sir, just at present — at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.’ ‘What do you mean by that?’ said the Caterpillar sternly. ‘Explain yourself!’ ‘I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, sir’ said Alice, ‘because I’m not myself, you see.’ ‘I don’t see,’ said the Caterpillar. ‘I’m afraid I can’t put it more clearly,’ Alice replied very politely, ‘for I can’t understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.’

From Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Charles Lutwidge Dodgson

Br’er Rabbit and the Tar Baby

brerrabbitandtarbabyOne day atter Brer Rabbit fool ’im wid dat calamus root, Brer Fox went ter wuk en got ’im some tar, en mix it wid some turkentime, en fix up a contrapshun w’at he call a Tar-Baby, en he tuck dish yer Tar-Baby en he sot ’er in de big road, en den he lay off in de bushes fer to see what de news wuz gwine ter be. En he didn’t hatter wait long, nudder, kaze bimeby here come Brer Rabbit pacin’ down de road—lippity-clippity, clippity-lippity—dez ez sassy ez a jay-bird. Brer Fox, he lay low. Brer Rabbit come prancin’ ’long twel he spy de Tar-Baby, en den he fotch up on his behime legs like he wuz ’stonished. De Tar Baby, she sot dar, she did, en Brer Fox, he lay low.

“‘Mawnin’!’ sez Brer Rabbit, sezee—‘nice wedder dis mawnin’,’ sezee.

“Tar-Baby ain’t sayin’ nuthin’, en Brer Fox he lay low.

“‘How duz yo’ sym’tums seem ter segashuate?’ sez Brer Rabbit, sezee.

“Brer Fox, he wink his eye slow, en lay low, en de Tar-Baby, she ain’t sayin’ nuthin’.

“‘How you come on, den? Is you deaf?’ sez Brer Rabbit, sezee. ‘Kaze if you is, I kin holler louder,’ sezee.

“Tar-Baby stay still, en Brer Fox, he lay low.

“‘Youer stuck up, dat’s w’at you is,’ says Brer Rabbit, sezee, ‘en I’m gwine ter kyore you, dat’s w’at I’m a gwine ter do,’ sezee.

“Brer Fox, he sorter chuckle in his stummick, he did, but Tar-Baby ain’t sayin’ nothin’.

“‘I’m gwine ter larn you how ter talk ter ’spectubble folks ef hit’s de las’ ack,’ sez Brer Rabbit, sezee. ‘Ef you don’t take off dat hat en tell me howdy, I’m gwine ter bus’ you wide open,’ sezee.

“Tar-Baby stay still, en Brer Fox, he lay low.

“Brer Rabbit keep on axin’ ’im, en de Tar-Baby, she keep on sayin’ nothin’, twel present’y Brer Rabbit draw back wid his fis’, he did, en blip he tuck ’er side er de head. Right dar’s whar he broke his merlasses jug. His fis’ stuck, en he can’t pull loose. De tar hilt ’im. But Tar-Baby, she stay still, en Brer Fox, he lay low.

“‘Ef you don’t lemme loose, I’ll knock you agin,’ sez Brer Rabbit, sezee, en wid dat he fotch ’er a wipe wid de udder han’, en dat stuck. Tar-Baby, she ain’t sayin’ nuthin’, en Brer Fox, he lay low.

“‘Tu’n me loose, fo’ I kick de natchul stuffin’ outen you,’ sez Brer Rabbit, sezee, but de Tar-Baby, she ain’t sayin’ nuthin’. She des hilt on, en de Brer Rabbit lose de use er his feet in de same way. Brer Fox, he lay low. Den Brer Rabbit squall out dat ef de Tar-Baby don’t tu’n ’im loose he butt ’er cranksided. En den he butted, en his head got stuck. Den Brer Fox, he sa’ntered fort’, lookin’ dez ez innercent ez wunner yo’ mammy’s mockin’-birds.

“Howdy, Brer Rabbit,’ sez Brer Fox, sezee. ‘You look sorter stuck up dis mawnin’,’ sezee, en den he rolled on de groun’, en laft en laft twel he couldn’t laff no mo’. ‘I speck you’ll take dinner wid me dis time, Brer Rabbit. I done laid in some calamus root, en I ain’t gwineter take no skuse,’ sez Brer Fox, sezee.”

— by Joel Harris, in Uncle Remus: His Songs and His Sayings

The Wabash Cannonball

“The youngest of the Bunyan boys, (Paul’s family), Cal S. Bunyan, built the most wondrous railroad in the world: The Ireland, Jerusalem, Australian & Southern Michigan Line. It took the largest steel mill in the country two years operating on a schedule of 36-hour days and a nine-day week to produce one rail for Cal. Each tie was made from an entire redwood tree. The train had 700 cars. It was so long that the conductor rode on a twin-cylinder, super deluxe motorcycle to check tickets. The train went so fast that, after it was brought to a dead stop it was still making 65 miles an hour. After two months of service, the schedule was speeded up, so that the train arrived at its destination an hour before it left its starting point.

“One day Cal said to the engineer, “Give ‘er all she’s got!” That was the end of the I.J.A.&S.M. Railroad. The train traveled so fast that the friction melted the steel rails and burned the ties to ashes. When it reached the top of the grade, the engine took off just like an airplane and carried itself and the 700 cars so far into the stratosphere that the law of gravity quit working. That was years and years ago, but the I.J.A.&S.M. is still rushing through space, probably making overnight jumps between the stars.

“Old time hoboes had a name for this Flying Dutchman of a train. They called her ‘The Wabash Cannonball’, and they said there was no station in America that had not heard her lonesome whistle.”

from http://ingeb.org/songs/wabashca.html

The “Wabash Cannonball” as a song was first documented on sheet music published in 1882, titled “The Great Rock Island Route” and credited to J. A. Roff.

220px-Wabash_Cannonball_cover_circa_1882

From the great Atlantic Ocean,
To the wide Pacific shore,
From sunny California,
To ice-bound Labrador.
She’s mighty tall and handsome,
She’s loved by one and all,
She’s the hobo’s ‘commodation,
The Wabash Cannonball.

Listen to the jingle,
The rumble and the roar,
As she glides along the woodlands,
Through hills and by the shore.
Hear the mighty rush of the engine,
Hear those lonesome hobos squall,
While trav’ling through the jungle,
On the Wabash Cannonball.

Our eastern states are dandy,
So the people always say,
From New York to St. Louis,
And Chicago by the way.
Through the hills of Minnesota,
Where the rippling waters fall,
No chances can be taken,
On the Wabash Cannonball.

Listen to the jingle,
The rumble and the roar,
As she glides along the woodlands,
Through hills and by the shore.
Hear the mighty rush of the engine,
Hear those lonesome hobos squall,
While trav’ling through the jungle,
On the Wabash Cannonball.

Now here’s to Daddy Claxton,
May his name forever stand,
He’ll always be remembered,
In the courts throughout the land.
His earthly race is over,
And the curtain round him falls,
Carryin’ him home to victory,
On the Wabash Cannonball.

The Carter Family were one of the first to record the song.